Having been there in a failed marriage, I’ve learned some valuable lessons in making relationships work and some things women do that contribute to destroying them.
There are five things wives do that make married men want to divorce.
1. Trying to change your husband.
This is perhaps the most common fatal mistake we can’t help to make as women, but do anyway because it’s in our nature.
Don’t do it. No, no, no, no, no.
For whatever reason, you love and chose this man to be your partner. Yes, this may have been when you were in the euphoric stage of a new relationship, however, when you decided to enter into a relationship with him, you signed up to accept him as he is. He may not need changing, and if you think he does, and that he should and will for you, you are sadly mistaken.
While there are things that can and need to be worked on in relationships as they grow and change over time, it’s important to remember this is a two-way street and takes work on both parts.
Do not tell him he watches sports too much, drinks too much beer, needs to lose weight or that he should not wear that ratty, 15-year-old t-shirt he loves. Because before he became your husband, chances are, you knew all these things and probably even thought they were cute.
Don’t assume now that you have him, you can mould him into a slightly improved version of himself. If he is genuinely good to you, compliment him. Make him feel good about himself by pointing out more of what you love about him, not what he can do better.
- Trying to control him
This is a great way to not only make your husband resent you but also to get him to do a little more of what you don’t want him to do just because he’s “not allowed to do it.” Controlling a guy is a great way to encourage him to go behind your back to do something he just feels like doing, even if it’s something completely innocent.
When you don’t trust him enough to hang out with his friends or do anything without you or your approval, there’s something seriously wrong there. You aren’t his mother or keeper, you are his partner.
Being secure in your relationship means you don’t need to control his every move. If you’re controlling him, you are insecure, and that’s really not an attractive quality.
- Not being intimate
As women, it’s easy to withhold intimacy. One of the biggest reasons we do is when we are not feeling fulfilled emotionally, or are simply annoyed at him, so the last thing we want to do is get physical.
I am not talking about rolling over on your side in the morning and letting him do what he wants to you. That is not appropriate and your lack of enjoyment is pretty obvious. I’m talking about giving him something to think about all day when he’s at work (and enjoying yourself in the process).
This does not include the type of intimacy (of any kind) that just gets the job done. I’m talking about the kind that blows his mind. Girls, you probably have some serious skills tucked away and my advice is to use them. Watch how quickly things change when you are both able to connect in this way.
- Letting yourself go
As wives and mothers, the day-to-day hustle and bustle is no joke and most of the time we put ourselves last. With that, it’s very easy to let yourself go. I’ve been there.
When you’re tired and too busy to even take a restroom break, the last thing you want to do is coordinate outfits, blow out your own hair or fit in an hour at the gym. However, making the time and extra effort to look good is really not just for him, it’s for yourself. When you’re confident about how you look, and get praise for it, your mood can very easily improve, no matter how miserable your day was.
Ever walk into work feeling defeated, but someone asks you if you lost weight or says they want your hair? If so, think about how you felt at that moment. The answer is probably good.
If you look and feel good, he’s going to like that and want more of it and you’re going to want to give it and get more of it, which will drive you even more to keep up with it.
- Coming between him and his family
Repeat after me, “I will not tell him his family sucks.” Don’t do it. They were there before you and are genetically bonded to him for life.
Yes, there are situations where your man’s family might be terrible, but he doesn’t need you to point that out because if they are that bad, he most likely knows already. If there’s a conflict there, and it involves you, it’s best to let him settle it. If you go up against his family, you become public enemy number one and tables can turn on you very quickly.
Take the high road because you love and respect him. Keep it classy. Don’t fuel the fire and let him put it out, or don’t even start it to begin with.
Focusing on your own actions is the best way to better your situation and evolve together.
Sometimes I look back at some of my behaviour in past relationships and think, “if I only knew then what I know now.”
It’s very easy to focus on all the things he’s doing wrong, which, don’t get me wrong, he probably is really doing. However, as a therapist, I can tell you that one of our biggest golden rules is to focus only on what we are doing and thinking, not on someone else’s actions. If you change how you feel and your reactions to others’ behaviours, it’s much easier to change the situation.
But most importantly, try to remember and feel thankful you have a man who loves you. Do your part to keep that. Plus if you do, you can never say you didn’t try, and then you can blame his ass when it doesn’t work out.
Source: yourtango
